Dirty Homophone
by Exquisiteliltart
Summary: Prompt: Emma finds a bug that Regina put in her room and decides to mess with her. Updated 8/19: Butt dialing, ...more double entendre fun
1. Chapter 1

Title: Dirty Homophone

Pairing: kinda Swan Queen/kinda Red Swan  
Rating: R, Crack!Fic  
Disclaimer: These characters are not my creative property

Summary:** Prompt: ****Emma finds a bug that Regina put in her room and decides to mess with her. Ha ha hee hee ha ha ho…**

Emma had no idea how long it had been there, or what Regina might have already heard. Probably not much considering Emma only used her bedroom to sleep and dress. Living with Mary Margaret combined with slim pickings in Storybrooke ensured that she hadn't entertained any late night bedroom visitors.

Although, why Regina would plant a bug in her bedroom was the question that had Emma curious. In her office at the Sheriff's station she understood, but in her bedroom? Emma knew it was Regina, no one else would have the balls to invade her privacy to that degree. Emma wondered if Sidney listened and reported back to the Mayor, or if Regina had a direct line to the little bug Emma had found in the hollow base of the porcelain swan figurine Mary Margaret had given her.

Truly, Emma figured there was only one reason for Regina to listen in on her bedroom comings and goings: she wanted to hear Emma having sex. She wanted to know all about Emma's private life. Whether the purpose was to try and prove that Emma was of immoral character should a custody hearing for Henry ever come to pass, or if the interest was more personal, Emma wasn't entirely sure.

Emma _was_ bound and determined to find out, and she knew exactly what to do.

"Hey, Ruby would you be willing to help me with something kinda weird?" Emma asked grudgingly.

"I'm in," Ruby jumped forward and clapped her hands, "What is it?"

Ruby was like the childhood best friend that Emma never had. Emma told her the plan and that evening Ruby showed up to Emma's apartment with carry out from Granny's.

"Dinner smells good, what did you bring?" Emma asked by way of greeting, leading Ruby to the door of her bedroom.

"Chicken wings, I crave chicken all the time," Ruby shrugged.

"Sounds good, so you know what to do once we go in?" Emma asked conspiratorially.

"Yeah, totally. We're really gonna play it up, right?" Ruby asked excitedly, her head buzzing with nervousness and excitement.

"Oscar winning performance," Emma grinned, opening the door and sucking loudly on her own forearm between moans…

"Oh, Oh, smack, slurp, smack That feels so good…"

Regina sat up straight, the little audio feed on her laptop had never registered more than some shuffles and rustling before now. Finally, it was apparent that something sexy was happening in Emma's bedroom. Regina put on headphones and turned up the volume, curious to find out who she was with.

"Oh Emma you're so HOT…"

"…Ow, that fucking burns!" Ruby pulled the chicken wing from her mouth, and dropped it back in the squeaky stryofoam container.

"Burns sooooo gooooddd, OH OH Ruby do me, baby…tell me what you want to do to me, ohhhh please, please, let me pull up your little skirt…" Emma flashed her eyes encouraging Ruby to get more into it.

Ruby shook her head in thought and licked her lips, pulling another hopefully cooler chicken wing from the container and pulling it apart and speaking directly too it, "Yum, I want to lick and suck all the sauce right off of you and then take a big bite out of your juicy ass…"

Jealousy raged in Regina's head as soon as she heard Ruby's name. She suspected that little slut all along, and now they were going at it like wild animals…Licking sauce off of each other. Regina was disgusted and oddly intrigued, she leaned in listening closer.

Squeak, squeak, squeak….

Emma had jumped onto the bed, and proceeded to jump with her full weight so hard she was afraid she was going to break it. In addition to Regina, the neighbors below were getting a loud show as well. Ruby sat on the very edge of the bed, still trying to eat her chicken wing as the bed shook, "Emma, stop…I've got sauce everywhere, hold still for a minute, just let me eat…hmmm."

Ruby moaned delighted and then licked the wing sauce off of each of her fingers making a loud sucking noise with each digit.

She tossed the container to the side, jumped up on the bed and started jumping too. She ripped up the brown paper bag it had come in, making sure to hold it as close to the little bug as she could, moaning in between giggles.

Emma jumped off the bed, picked the bug up between her fingers and brought it to her lips….

heavy breathing "Ahhhh, stick your tongue inside, rub it around, yeah, yeah, yeah, give me your cock- Ruby!"

"Oh, like this, you like when I use my thumb, baby….so good…so wet…"

Regina was puzzled, sitting on the edge of her seat, Emma's voice was so loud, but Ruby sounded so far away. What the hell kind of sex were those girls having?

Ruby took a long sip of her soda, making sure to suck it dry and shake up the ice.

"My pussy is very refreshing I see," Emma snorted trying to contain her laughter as the straw made a loud high pitched squeak as Ruby worked it back and forth in the lid.

"Was your orgasm good?" Ruby was on her knees now, enjoying this little game immensely.

"My turn, hmm, you're my bitch now," Emma took a book off the shelf and smacked it against the wall making a loud crack, and Ruby reacted with a cry every time like she was being spanked…

whack, whack, thud, thud "Oh, hit me, oh, Emma do me like that Britney song, If You Seek Amy, If You seek amy harder!" Ruby tried to cover her laughter.

"Ruby, I'm going to F-U-C-K you with this….banana," Emma shrugged her shoulders trying to think of something random that she could fuck with.

These bitches were kinky, and Regina would give anything to actually see what was going on in that room. She shifted in her chair as Emma and Ruby moaned together, that part was hot and Regina felt her body growing warm and her panties becoming damp.

Ruby's climax included the bashing of a gong, breaking glass and striking symbols. She had pulled out her phone and turned on a sound effects app that definitely aided with her orgasm.

"That was fun, Emma you are good at sex with me," Ruby said in a staccato stilted voice, like her words were scripted and she was a very bad actress. Emma could totally picture Ruby as an amazingly successful porn star.

"Yes, I hope you enjoyed the banana...when can we fuck again?" Emma asked blushing and rolling her eyes.

"See you next Tuesday," Ruby said as a special message to Regina, enjoying how immature and goofy her and Emma were being.

An hour later Emma's phone rang, "Hello?"

"Sheriff Swan, I need your assistance next Tuesday. You need to stay late and complete some extra paperwork," Regina drawled, her voice sounding heavy through the phone line.

"Really, next Tuesday, hmm…how late do I have to stay, cause I kinda have some plans?" Emma asked innocently, a knowing smile forming on her lips.

"All night!" Regina snapped and hung up the phone.

Emma had her answer.


	2. Chapter 2

Emma sat idly at her desk, twirling a pen through her fingers, and occasionally blowing locks of blonde hair out of her face. It was Tuesday, the night that Regina had required her to work overtime, and she was bored out of her mind.

She perked up at the sound of clicky clacky heels on the tile, as Regina entered the station, carrying a briefcase. Regina wordlessly sat the black case on Emma's desk, and opened it, producing piles and piles of paper. Emma pushed herself back from her desk and looked on helplessly. The briefcase must have belonged to Mary Poppin's because Regina just kept pulling out more and more papers.

"This is the urgent mandatory Tuesday night overtime work that I have to do?" Emma looked back and forth from the huge stack of paper to Regina's hardened gaze.

"Your orientation is overdue. This is a policy and procedure manual, I need you to read through and initial each page- front and back," Regina hefted a thick binder down in front of Emma letting it drop onto the desk.

"This is a copy of the town charter, read everything, highlight those aspects pertaining to the Sheriff's office and initial. Read everything not pertaining to the Sheriff's office as well, I like my employees to be well rounded in their knowledge," Regina placed that one in front of Emma and glowered at her.

Emma stood up suddenly, pushing the folders and papers to the back of her desk, "Cut the bullshit, I know you bugged my bedroom—you know, Regina, this is a new low even for you."

"How dare you accuse me of such a heinous act! I will not start a ridiculous fight with you, just so you can try to get out of necessary work, and you will not be receiving overtime pay for training time- I don't know why you were under that assumption," Regina took a deep breath as Emma's eyes blazed fire.

"I hope you enjoyed the little show that Ruby and I put on for you," Emma watched Regina carefully, and her spine tingled as she watched Regina open and close her mouth wordlessly.

"What's wrong? Speechless…" Emma gloated, "You know I was going to put that bug in the bathroom so you could listen to Mary Margaret shit and shower, but I can think of another place I'd like to put it."

"Ms. Swan, this is outrageous. If you value your job I suggest you sit down and start your paperwork. I don't care if I have to stay here and sit next to you all night to make sure it gets done," Regina recovered her ability to speak and tried to cover as quickly as possible.

"Oh, you'd like that- wouldn't you? Sitting here, with me, on my lap, perhaps?" Emma wiggled her eyebrows, enjoying the look of utter indignation on Regina's face and the way she quickly crossed her arms over her chest as if she needed to protect herself.

"Admit it, you listened to every moannn and whispered ooohhh, that Ruby and I uttered and you loved every second-" Emma was cut off as Regina slammed her hands down on the edge of the desk.

"Whatever acts you were doing with that banana were depraved, you sounded like a couple of baboons trying to break out of a cage!" Regina shouted, unwittingly taking Emma's dangling bait.

"Aha! You did hear it—everything. So why did you bug my bedroom, hmm? Tell me that, at least, and I will gladly sit here and read all of this for you," Emma asked sweeping her hand over the paperwork and scrutinizing Regina intensely.

Regina's cheeks turned red, and she stammered, "I was concerned…about Henry."

"Right, I'm pretty sure that's not true. You wanted to hear what I was up to. You're curious. It's okay. I will say, I'm rather curious about you too, but I still wouldn't ever bug your bedroom!" Emma licked her lips as she watched Regina's eyes widen.

"You're curious about me? Really? Well, you could just ask if you have a question, no need for entrapment," Regina snarled hypocritically.

"Well now that we're on the same page: did you bug my bedroom in the hopes that you would hear me having sex?"

"I-I bugged your bedroom," the words were difficult for Regina to admit, "…with the hope that I would hear you talking about me…or Henry. Instead, I got to listen to you and that dirty skanky waitress debase each other with sauces and musical instruments."

"Regina, we didn't really do each other, you know- I found the bug before we offered up that little performance and you made it so obvious that you had heard it," Emma said easily.

"What do you want, Ms. Swan? An apology? What?" Regina frowned, not accepting defeat, but willing to admit that she was caught. If anything, she was relieved that Emma hadn't actually had rough sex with Ruby.

"I want you to admit that you were jealous, and you would give anything to be with me like you thought Ruby was," Emma leaned in, breathing out over Regina's face.

"Jealous?" Regina spit the word, pressing her own face closer to Emma's, "If you were with me, you'd be begging me for it. I'd make you cum far harder and louder than anything she could do for you. I have nothing to be jealous of!"

"You've thought about that, haven't you? Exactly what you'd do to me if given the opportunity. So are you all talk or are you going to prove it? Throw these papers off of this desk and fuck me right here!" Emma challenged, realizing that this was simultaneously the best idea and probably worst idea she'd ever had.

Regina parted her lips, her tongue darting out in a pink blur to wet them. She stared at Emma wordlessly, her chest rapidly rising and falling, a brown eye boring into Emma's, blue-green.

"Well?" Emma asked feeling a bit nervous watching Regina's quiet predatory reactions.

"I'm more than ready, but before we get started help me find the bug that Sidney put in here. I certainly don't need him listening in," Regina replied as she started looking under the paper weights and through the desk drawers.

Looking for listening devices was certainly a unique form of foreplay.

"Gladly," Emma said, joining in search.


	3. Chapter 3

"Oh, gaawwwddd, that's sooo hot!" Regina moaned as she attempted to bite into her freshly grilled ear of Mexican corn.

"Careful, just lick it a little until you can get in there and eat it properly, make sure to rotate," Emma instructed as she blew on her own corn.

They were sitting in the shade, trying to get along together while Henry played carnival games with Paige at the annual Storybrooke Freedom Festival.

Sidney was holed up in his apartment, air conditioner blasting, listening in on whatever Regina was up to. He frowned in dismay as he felt a surge of jealousy tingle down his spine. If Regina knew he had placed a bug in her purse she'd probably kill him. Hopefully, she didn't suspect anything, as he'd sewn it into the lining.

He found it comforting to keep tabs on his unrequited love. Sidney did not appreciate the way Emma and Regina looked at each other, and he had always had an inkling that something sexual was transpiring between them. It sounded as though his suspicion was being confirmed.

Back at the park, Pongo passed by, sniffing Regina's feet as Archie waved and gave the pair a lop-sided grin.

"Wow, hairy beast," Regina complained, kicking a little at Pongo.

"Not that hairy…" Emma countered looking at Pongo, and rolling her eyes at Regina's continual state of annoyance.

"This tastes like cheese and char, but I like the spice," Regina mumbled as she turned her attention back to the corn.

"Good isn't it? Nice and salty," Emma commented as she took a loud greedy bite.

"Messy, is what it is."

"Mmm, you have some on your chin…don't pretend you don't love it."

Sidney didn't know whether to be disgusted or turned on as he turned up the volume and listened closer.

"Damn, I've never seen you so sweaty," Emma exclaimed using her paper plate to fan Regina as a gesture of goodwill.

"Well, if you didn't insist on doing this outside maybe I'd be able to maintain composure," Regina swiped at the lock of hair sticking to her forehead.

"Here," Emma handed Regina a water bottle and Regina took it gratefully lifting it to her lips.

"Nothing's coming out," Regina squeezed the bottle harder and scowled when nothing happened.

Emma took back the sports bottle and pulled the cap, "There, now squeeze. You just have to tug it." Emma couldn't believe Regina had never drank from a sports bottle, but refrained from commenting.

Regina squeezed too forcefully and a strong stream of water blew right in her own face.

"Careful, It's a squirter! Should have warned you before you put your mouth on it. Just slurp it," Emma had to contain her laughter at seeing Regina dripping wet.

"Ugh, Some just went up my nose. I hope you're proud of yourself, Ms. Swan."

"Very."

Sidney turned down the volume with a trembling hand, shaking in his head in disbelief. He'd heard enough.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary:****Butt dialing is a bitch… more double entendre fun. **

"Hey, I'll call you back. Regina wants to see me in her office for a "debriefing" and I have no idea how long it will take her before we finish," Emma apologized to Mary Margaret as she slowly trailed into Regina's office.

"Call me when you get off?" Mary Margaret asked innocently.

"Definitely," Emma confirmed before hanging up her phone and sliding it into her back pocket quickly.

"Ah, Ms. Swan. You have displeased me," Regina started in right away.

"When have I ever pleased you?" Emma rolled her eyes and stood before Regina, who looked her over with an impassive stare.

Regina smirked before pointing to a stack of files. "I specifically asked you to file all of these reports, and they are still as unorganized as ever. I am going to teach you a lesson right now."

Regina backed Emma up into the file cabinet until the metal handles dug into her back. She deftly unbuttoned Emma's jeans and pulled them down, along with her panties, to her ankles.

In the debriefing process Emma's phone redialed the last number she had called and Mary Margaret cheerily answered thinking that Emma's meeting really had been that short. Little did she know…

"I don't plan to beat around your bush, dear. I'm going to start with the rudimentary basics. Filing requires alphabetization. A skill you seem to be sorely lacking in," Regina sunk to her knees and Emma couldn't help but widen her stance as fingers traced over her thighs.

Emma swallowed in anticipation, "I am more of a hands-on learner."

Regina dipped between her legs and traced a perfect capital "A" with her tongue. Emma's knees felt weak. Regina instructed, "Call out the letters as I go, so I can make sure this is sinking in."

"A…B…C…D, lower case h, cursive Z,…number 8…..Ohhh," Emma was already feeling the telltale muscle contractions, Regina could reduce her to a nonverbal state so very easily.

"That wasn't an O, dear, try again," Regina barked in annoyance.

"More cursive please…and T's, I fucking love Tttttt's!"

Mary Margaret tried to puzzle out why Emma needed help with the alphabet. She wondered if Emma had never learned to read. It would explain some things like how she always bought the wrong brands of grocery items even when specifically instructed. Poor Emma was meeting with Regina to tutor her in reading. Bless her heart. Was Emma crying?

"How many fingers is this?" Regina roughly thrust a finger into her.

"1…2…2..1…3!..Fuck…4? Infinity?!" Emma screamed as Regina continued to spell her name with her tongue over her clit and pound and curl fingers inside until Emma came in a shuddering mess. She sunk down the sturdy file cabinet, as Regina sat back and licked her fingers.

"That was certainly…informative," Emma struggled to catch her breath; "and might I add, you have the most beautiful face that I've ever cum across, Regina."

"Thank you Ms. Swan. I do hope you'll take this lesson seriously, or next time I'll have to go deeper. Much deeper," Regina threatened.

"Can I teach you something too?" Emma asked suggestively.

"Please Ms. Swan, I either come first or I don't come at all," Regina sighed, but none the less she was rubbing her thighs together in an effort to relieve the frustrating burn of arousal.

Emma shrugged, "maybe next time." She slowly pulled up her jeans and her phone fell out onto the floor. She saw the screen was lit up and the call timer counting. In a panic she placed the phone to her ear, "Hello?! What did you hear?"

"Oh, Emma-nothing..I was just worried because I know how you two like to get into it, and Regina can really push your buttons," Mary Margaret lied to spare Emma's secret shame of illiteracy, "I thought you were going to call me when you got off and my phone rang so…"

"Uh…I just got off. I was going to stay and help until Regina gets off, but I think she just wants to take care of herself. See ya soon!"


End file.
